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Arx Pilosa

by Bob Drake

/
1.
Many years ago...billions actually...or was it the future? A frightful curse gripped the Multiverse in icy tentacles... Tentacles of fear! Threatening to shatter the Union of Worlds! Even The Council of Elders was undecided in this matter! Until the day they found Dret Tancat and sent him off to save the Multiverse! It happened like this: His ancestors were the canines from the mythic planet Earth evolving in the Great Mutations following the terminal magnetic shift. All his kind were great magicians, and of them he was the best nominated by the Elder Council, he set off on the perilous quest So let's join our scruffy hero at the dawn of that fateful day when the evil shattering the Multiverse got its just desserts and ended up relegated to the dustbin of history! Frazzled, cold and hungry, brambles tangled in his tail in the drizzly dawn he drew his ragged cloak more tightly, scowling down upon the Ominous Perilous Vale which was to be the ultimate obstacle necessary to traverse to attain his objective. Shook the rain from off his snout and set off towards the fortress of ebon looming blackly on the distant horizon. All along the trek he would be constantly beset by the LEGIONS OF HELL a-pelting him with every evil in the grimoires Oh will he prove gallant enough to fend off their bewitchments, hypnotisms and hexes, plagues, afflictions and woes? They flung in his direction armadas of foullest horrors which melted like butter at one sound he utter. Upon witnessing the power of such noble, valiant goodness the evil ones chose to relinquish their wickedness swearing a solemn pact that beginning today they would only use their magic for the benefit all lifeforms on all the worlds, ushering in a new era and all of them lived happily ever after.
2.
On the lowest level of the astral plane, it’s empty, cold and repugnant. The next level up is not significantly better, there are a couple of trees but no buildings and everyone has to wear sackcloth. The next level up is a lot like Earth, but everything’s a bit dilapidated. On the next level up there are some pretty nice views, but you have to die a second time in order to attain the next level, where they drink brandy, play golf and smoke cigars, they hunt and fish and steeplechase and there’s no sex, it’s a bit like a Victorian gentlemen’s club. The current situation in the afterlife sounds eternally boring, don’t you think that it’s time to change things? We need an afterlife revolution! Revolution! Here we come! We are revolting!
3.
Stimulated by secret process, come get your message at the Cryptic Mountain! Altar fires litten, natron water flowing, and the stage is set for someone or something. Come and wander in rocky desolate place with Universal wolfy dragon. Altar fires litten, natron water flowing, there’s a fissure in my pshent but they have ways of fixing that
4.
The strangeness of you is a wonder to behold. Just like a dream or just like a nightmare subject to the constitution of the observer. Your asymmetry is surpassed by no other living thing. And when you go chanting in the ruined castle with your strange little pals, each of them equally as outré as you, what can I do? I'm so deeply enamoured of you. With your strange little pals, each of them equally as outré as you, what can I do? I'm profoundly, I'm so deeply enamoured of you.
5.
A hungry badger trying to score some grub at a greasy diner went straight to the kitchen and tried to pass himself off as the fry cook, but all he got was kicked out the back service entrance. Kicked him out into the alley, whereupon recovering his composure he found a book in a bin written by Emily Post - the “Queen of Etiquette.” Pawing over the book, he composed a letter protesting of his treatment borrowing grammar from the Bible and Shakespeare and delivered it to the diner himself. And they gave him a 50 cents reduction coupon.
6.
So the new couple came, and they wanted to build their house on Monument Hill. The mayor stipulated they could proceed, but they mustn’t tear down the neglected ossuary in the grove of dead trees, but they did so anyway. From that moment forth their situation rapidly declined. The very next day, the workers walked off the job and wouldn’t come back, complaining about the pack of hounds that watched them from the distance, laughing. Next our couple were pestered all night and day by howls as if from a distant molosse, so they packed up and left. Got far away from there as they could get. But soon, the howls resumed, closer and closer until they were sure that they were doomed. Then there finally came that knock on the back door and they couldn’t decide to open it or not.
7.
Have a lovely day, do not go astray into eldritch realms of accursed research. Premature demise - that could be your prize, or a life prolonged to unspeakable length if you mispronounce one rune of a chant. Have a lovely day, do not go astray into nighted vaults where the luminous fungi cast a glow onto things below better off forgotten and left undisturbed. Have a lovely day, it will be OK if you got some flowers to hang on the doors of badger dens ‘cause they are your friends have them round for tea ‘cause it’s better than... it’s better...yes it’s better...better than hanging round in deconsecrated, crumbling abbeys encrusted with nitre, where in unlit cellars, horrible tomes are kept chained to the stone walls Have a lovely day, do not go astray go and pick some flowers to hang on the doors of badger dens ‘cause they are your friends they are all your friends, go see them today you know they would love to have you for lunch.
8.
Established 1867, the London Dialectical Society formed, in order to investigate events and phenomena allegedly caused by spiritual manifestations, and to report thereon. The members claimed that they had received information through automatic writing the truth or falseness of which nobody has been able to determine. One member declared that by mediumistic means he was giving a precise, detailed statement, which in the end turned out to be completely erroneous. Reception of the report by the press wasn't exactly very hearty, The Times called it: “...nothing more than a farrago of impotent conclusions, garnished by a mass of the most monstrous rubbish it has ever been our misfortune to sit in judgement upon.”
9.
All my sheddings, won’t you help me sweep them off the floor? All my sheddings, cause there are going to be more and more. All my sheddings, won’t you help me sweep them off the floor? All my sheddings, cause there are going to be more and more. All my sheddings, I’m gonna sweep them all up now, put them in a big package I’m gonna send them to you (special delivery)
10.
Acting Bears 01:50
Bears are known to be the more obliging of the larger furry mammals in the motion picture industry. They memorize their lines, but they tend to improvise, and good luck stopping them once they start to spout what they believe to be Shakespearean declamations in stentorious tones. Acting bears are usually classically trained, while others went to the school of hard knocks. And in the northern hemisphere it’s best to work in summer or they keep falling asleep on the job. Affect a walking cane, wear a suit and hat and tails and you might attract attention from a service who provides animals for motion pictures. Just remember to keep your claws in the contract
11.
There was a little country church hundreds of years ago and what really happened we will never know. La fontaine de l’eglise trickles peacefully from a fragment of a flinty stone wall all that’s left of an ancient church which a remarkably strange event caused to be dismantled and stricken from the historical record. A section of masonry which had always appeared to be unnaturally damp subsided below the altar causing priest and congregation alike to faint and to falter at what was revealed. The witnesses chose not to speak of what they discovered and the church was soon condemned and demolished its stones used to fill up the pit. Today only those who have lost their way will happen to pass by that lonely, inhospitable place where the fountain still trickles, be advised that it’s non-potable and it’s unhealthy to loiter in the vicinity for any length of time ‘round those mounds of black and flinty stones in the place where there once stood a little country church, hundreds of years ago and what really happened, we will never know.
12.
Do you think you’re ready for this? Shouldn’t I be? We understand the rocket’s ready to go. You got that right. Frankly, we don’t know what to think. And that’s alright by me and Apocalypse Fox. Apocalypse asked me last night: “So, whaddya wanna do tomorrow, go to lunch, or go to the stars?” I said come on, let’s do both. Then we consulted some conceptual sketches until the sunrise and when we climbed into the ship he was looking good in his spacesuit strapping in, ready for blasting off. Should we countdown? Nah forget it, just hit that button and blast off to the galaxy clusters We’ll go all the way. They’re gonna go all the way. "Assuming optimal positions...tail assembly response positive... commencing synchronized ascent...thruster circuits switched to automatic...angle of approach is good...contact! Deploy pressure injector!"
13.
Summertime is here, flowers are in bloom exuding indescribable perfumes; so are some unusual mustelids. Isn’t it nice and green in the cool ravine where the effervescent waters fizz? The Universe just goes on with its business Goes on it goes on it goes on it goes on Goes on it goes on it goes on it goes on The flowers are escapees from research laboratories so are the unusual mustelids; the Universe just goes on It goes on it goes on it goes on it goes.
14.
Watchful of face, green of plume, O hyena, I know the hall in the middle of the zenith from which you go when you go aboard the night-bark. O great float-user, filled with your power take the wrrt crown from the great and mighty talkers, Hail to you, unguent! Hail to your face which has been knit on like that of a jackal, Wepawawet. Seized by the Earth-gods, you will not be opposed, doors of the sky will be opened you may go out as the jackal beside him who hides his shape. Hail to you! You two falcons who are in this bark! A stairway to the firmament has been set up for you A stairway to the firmament has been set up for you May you take the hands of the imperishable stars!
15.
Along the dusty road there was a little wooden house with no outward signs of anything wrong It was the overgrown vine upon the northwest side which was the reason nobody would stay. With no obvious external cause, on hot summer evenings, it would visibly agitate itself And when the judge and the minister witnessed this for themselves immediate action was decided upon: So they went out with their pickaxes and shovels came back with nothing but psychological troubles. And though they say the vine’s no longer animated the house remains abandoned for it cannot shake its haunted reputation, although the vine is very pretty, transfiguring the porch into a sylvan grotto.
16.
Water of waters, water of the equinoxes O water of celestial grace O water of the river Styx heavy water, metallic water, water of life O water Azothique O water of blood O golden water of the many Suns. Simple water O water of the microcosm O antimonial mercurial water eau de talc, eau elevée Igneous water, starry water, eau électrique O water which will never moisten the hands O aqua pluvialis. Don't forget the terrific monsters who inhabit the waters for it's true, they're always aware of you while floating about so lightly. Eau oxgenée, mineral water water of transubstantiation water under the bridge remember the waters of forgetfulness aqua lilii, aqua fortis, aqua cerebri, aqua foetida, aqua Crocotus ridiculosa.
17.
Excavating restricted Roman ruins, evidence was uncovered revealing the staggering truth of why and for whom the Vatican had been constructed and what still inhabits its gardens It was not for any pontiff, contrary to popular belief no, they were made for the fabulous beast which a bumbling occultist summoned to our plane, then refusing to begone,demanded this outlandish palace and garden be built for it. In return it would provide "services" of a kind I would rather not mention. So they built it the Torre Leonina, and a plexus of secret courtyards and cortiles. Hedges of aromatic shrubberies mask the alien pong of its pelt (its spotty pelt) from detection (it’s also stripy) by the unauthorized rabble. Audience can be obtained (for those sincerely devoted), The entrance is marked with THE SIGN (for those who can recognise it) Records show many have entered (over the centuries) The departures page curiously blank... If you've inexplicable yearnings this fate should be yours, traverse the gallery of inscriptions, pass the cabinet of masks At the shuttered balcony, thrice make the sign; the one-way portal shall be opened for an instant– Quickly step inside and the statues will cry, knowing what's to come, powerless to avert their perpetual gaze.
18.
What’s coming to the party at the Parthenon Replica? Up where the fictional gods and monsters love to schmooze and mingle? Share a mental impression with a mystical presence or jump into the dance and clap your fins or hands or paws or claws or pseudopods those not in possession of a body, do it with your aura. Cyclopean arcades of colossi are the decor of choice of the funny animals responsible for this once-in-a-Cycle transcendental bash. And it’s a smash! Sredni Vashtar promises to be on his best behaviour just as long as you don’t bring up that little episode with Mrs. DeRopp, and Nyarlothotep has agreed to forego presentation of his “special” slideshow. So dance and clap your fins or hands or paws or claws or pseudopods It don’t matter if you got nobody, ‘cause disembodied intellects are welcome at the bash at the Parthenon Replica. The invitations were sent by means of psycho-kinetic impressions and it’s obligatory to RSVP. Now watch out for those Japanese dinosaurs, they may not seem too bright but when the Suns go down just wait and see their crazy pyrotechnics. And those smiling dogs? Don’t get too close, they’re the Hounds of Tindalos, known to cause dimensional complications but those are the chances you take when you come to the Parthenon Replica.
19.
They deliberately call upon something with a reverence for using it often with reverence and love, changing its appearance under the vestments. And the stars sputtering at the commandment and a radiant Sun permanently changed consummately phosphorescently shone favorably on O seven! Calling on something now O wonderous! That can smite the darkness O jackals! Mighty, smity, pilose. And a radiant purr rustling whisper that it was only the merest of forepaws that did emerge, beatifically yellow and shaggy O seven! Calling on something now O wonderous! That can smite the darkness O jackals! Mighty, smity, pilose. And the Seven invoke one visible Sun that deliberately calls upon something with reverence and love that they also arise over the visible Sun! O jackals! Calling on something now O wonderous! That can smite the darkness O jackals! Mighty, bitey, smity, pilose.
20.
I was floating on the back of a living thing upon a sea which was undulating eldritchly and beheld the things a-beckoning on the strange and distant shore which apparently I was approaching. And in one astounding rapture I knew what I was! and what I once was! and what I would be!

credits

released November 1, 2016

Written, performed and recorded by Bob Drake
between June 2014 – February 2016
at La Borde Basse, Caudeval, France.
Artwork and design by Joe Mruk: www.redbuffalo.org
Bob’s website: www.bdrak.com

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